Apologise please.

Dear Rowie,

You may feel I have been distant these past few years, even horrible towards you. It’s true, I have. And that is because I hold a grudge against you. The stem of this grudge probably comes from when you dated Alex and became the worst best friend in history. I had to stand beside you and that twat every day during lunch whilst you hugged like lost lemmings. That was not fun. Your subsequent boyfriend was an even bigger twat, I’d go so far as to say, bastard. And during your relationship with him, I openly stated that I did not like him. Admittedly you accepted this with grace. But now you’re over, you come to me and say you’re right, he’s a dick. Fuck yes I’m damn right. During your pathetic relationship with that psychopath you committed what I believe to be one of your worst crimes; you had sex with him whilst I was in the house. I wouldn’t mind if we were roommates. But I was your fucking guest. You left me downstairs to go be alone. That’s fine, go have a cuddle whatever. But when I’m waiting for you downstairs it’s not cool to fuck him. I was actually in your mums room when this was happening and sent a text jokingly to Milly saying that you were having sex and she was horrified. I told her that I was only joking, it just sounded like it. That was when you came into my room and gleefully told me what you had done. I was fucking upset, and I resented you for telling me that was over the top. No it fucking wasn’t. Do you have any idea how rejected and shit I felt then?

After that my attitude towards you started to change. I stopped enjoying being around you. You’re a very selfish person you know? I never once felt welcomed around your house because you gave me shit mats to sleep on. Sometimes even the floor. I had to help you with your washing up. Did you ever have to do any of this shit round my house? No. Because you were a guest and we wanted you to feel welcome. I once came round to your “party” after a tiring evening a work because it was my duty as “best friend” unsurprisingly, hardly anyone came. And do you know why? It’s not because they’re all horrible. It’s because you hadn’t talked to the fuckers for almost a year, because you were too busy staying in your room and fucking your boyfriend. So here I am, at a party I don’t want to be at. You’re drunk. (Even though you told me a few months prior you’re immune to alcohol. Psssh, you fucking immature idiot.) And after one measly hour, you send everyone home. So as it stands I have been at this party a total of 1 hours. You then say, right off to bed. Ermmm OK? Did I come round your house to sleep then? No! I fucking didn’t! Not only is this not a party! You’re not even gonna hang out with me before we sleep. You push me off into the guest room. GREAT! That’s totally what I wanted to do with my evening! The next morning, it gets worse. I VOLUNTARILY did ALL of your fucking washing up from your “party” last night, despite the fact that I used none of your stuff. I got NO help from you or your mum. I then helped you FUCKING MOVE HOUSE! I moved all your shit from your room outside. Your mum, DID NOT EVEN THANK ME ONCE!!! What the actual fuck! I cannot describe to you how angry I was when I left your house that morning. Once again I had been treated like utter SHIT at your hands.

Now let’s take a break from the stuff you’ve done, and move on to your horrendous personality shall we? I now absolutely HATE being around you. You make me feel like shit all the time. All you want to do is one up me. And that pisses me the fuck off. I cannot be fucked to be in constant competition with you! And you know that it annoys me because I’m competitive as well. You don’t know everything Chloe! Fucking admit it! If I say it’s a mini gun. IT’S A FUCKING MINI GUN! They’re not stupid mini pistols you dipshit! They’re big old machine guns! I know this! You don’t! You don’t have to make me feel like shit just because you think you’re right.

I don’t like being in public with you because you embarrass me. Any chance you get to reference your “awesome” geek knowledge loudly makes me cringe. No one gives a fuck. Stop embarrassing yourself. Oh? And this knowledge, that you developed, only happened because of me and my family. If you have never met me you wouldn’t know half the stuff you do now!

Let’s also address your stupid alcohol thing. What is it with you? One minute you’re immune to alcohol, the next you got really pissed last night as discord. Then you’re round my house, rat arsed telling me your fine. YOU ARE NOT FUCKING FINE! Stop trying to look badass and STAY IN MY FUCKING KITCHEN! I have already cleaned up your fucking disgusting puke four times! I do not want to clean it up off of my carpet. The next time I tell you to stay by the sink. YOU FUCKING STAY BY THE SINK YOU UNGRATFEUL BITCH! Oh and another thing? Can you stop making me feel bad for being a lightweight. Do you know what? There is nothing wrong with being a lightweight, I actually enjoy it! Even if you think it’s uncool, can you stop making fun of me every time there is alcohol out yeah? I’d really appreciate it, seeing as you’re my “best friend”. Not.

Also, I do NOT want to hear about your sex exploits. You were a fucking slut during your first year of Uni. If you’ve literally JUST woken up from sleeping with another random, don’t text me about it to shove it in my face! Do you really think your virgin friend wants to hear all this? Of course you don’t! You just want to rub it in my face. But the truth is you’re so pathetic that the only way you make yourself feel better is by having it reaffirmed by a dude sticking his dick in you. Then you have the nerve to call me PICKY! So FUCKING WHAT! If I’m picky! So I have fucking STANDARDS and don’t want to sleep with just anyone! AGAIN! I don’t need you to make me feel bad about myself. That’s not what best friends do!

I did try once to clean the slate and get rid of this stupid grudge. After I visited you in bath and I apologised for being harsh on you, it felt so good! Like we’d started again and could go back to being friends. But the next time I saw you! Nothing changed! You were still the competitive bitch I remembered you to be. You had to know fucking everything someone was saying so if I ever whispered to my mum I’d hear, “WHAT!?” From across the room. You don’t have to be involved in everything you know?

So yeah, reasons why I don’t like you anymore. You’ve never been there for me. You never treated me like a best friend. I don’t want to be around you anymore, but out of duty I have to. The latest blow is your mum’s stupid wedding. I know it’s not your doing, but not being invited but my parents are, is another blow. Your mum does know that I pretty much saved you from being a wrist slitting emo right? Even you’ve admitted this. But I guess, selfishness runs in the family doesn’t it? Neither of you ever stop to THINK about other people. Well whatever. I don’t like you anymore. And you’re gonna have to deal with that. I’m not making excuses or pretending any more.

I hope karma comes round to bite you in the ass.

Rhubarb