I've just re-read over my whole blog. Noticing a lot of patterns.

So...... I'm numb. AGAIN. I just don't CARE about things. My degree. Fuck it. My weight. Fuck it. My friends. Fuck em. Fuzzy.... fuzzy. Now him I do care about.

I can't think of anything else. All the time. I'm thinking, day dreaming, actually dreaming. Even when I'm not thinking directly of him I'm thinking about what he'd think about what I'm doing/watching. It's maddening but... it's addictive. I finally let out some of the things I've been thinking lately. I'm happy knowing that he knows how I feel about him, even if it does make me feel vulnerable. I'm going up to Liverpool in 7 days to stay for a week then he is coming down here afterwards to stay for a while.

A pattern I've been noticing as I re-read my blog is that I often blog when I'm numb. I'm in one of those phases again and I haven't had one for so long! Not since I started talking to Mechanic Guy. It's a combination of so many things. The stress of work, bad sleeping pattern, bad eating habits, the stress of thinking about him and his fucking ex. I keep having dreams about her. I'm so worried that I'm going to let it get to me too much.

Also, I have a essay due in 2 days and I have done 200 words. 10%. I should CARE about this, This is my degree, but I just don't. It's currently 6:43am. I've just stayed up the entire night in the library to do work and I've done 200 words. Rhubarb. Get it tofuckinggether. The problem is the more stressful it gets the less I care. I really want to bury my head and just be with fuzzy. He can never know =P

Also, recently he has highlighted how bad my self esteem issues are... and reading back I can see it now more clear than ever... why do I have such a negative view of myself. It's worse than I ever thought it was. I hope it's something that won't annoy him too much. It's not something that is going to disappear quickly y'know.

I have such a shit way of dealing with stress. I just block it out and pull through somehow. Today is going to be difficult. I am already tired, but the point of this all nighter was to sort my sleeping out, so I have to force myself to stay awake and to do work whilst extremely tired xD

WHAT A KNOB I AM

Rhubarb xxxxxx