Sophia

Well.


Yeah, things have changed. Ha. I'm not with Fuzz. Haven't been with him since August 2017. Let me recall what happened, although honestly I barely remember the details any more. Basically in May 17 I just got fucking fed up of his shit. His selfish, I'm more important and stressed than you are so you give me all the attention bullshit. We had an argument one night where he came home from work and I came downstairs as soon as I could because god forbid I didn't! (I had been told off about that in the past) So I came down to sit on the couch with his parents while he laments about his day and we all nod in sympathy. Then we go upstairs to bed. I'm in the bathroom, washing my face, brushing my teeth, putting my hair into a plait when he comes in and goes,
"What are you doing?"
"Getting ready for bed..." I say, literally nonplussed.
He then proceeds to berate me LITERALLY for not being ready for bed as SOON as he got in the door.
"You should have been ready as soon as I got home! You knew I'd be tired and need to go to bed as soon as possible!"

I remember just standing there in shock and with absolutely no fight left in me at all just burst into tears and went straight to the spare room to sleep. I then hear him outside mouthing off to HIS MOTHER about me! I'd had enough at this point and stormed out to look at his mum in complete shock and genuinely just be like,
"Diane... do you hear what your son is saying? How is this fucking acceptable?!" Her only response, as someone who panders to every little tantrum her son has was,
"Now you're both just tired."

YOU BET YOUR FUCKING ASS I'M TIRED! Tired of this SHIT. He came into my rooms hours later more "calm" and I told him that I think we needed to break up. Put all the shit in front of him and he agreed.

My memory is patchy here because I can't remember if I moved out the very next day or not... regardless. There was no fight to stop me leaving. I packed all of my things into my tiny little Suzuki Swift and went to sleep on my brothers couch. There was a really heartbreaking moment that morning as I was talking to his mum and explaining everything, who by the way, stubbornly refused to believe the things I told her about her son. Like how he told me that it was my job to do ALL the dishes because I had to 'pay my way'. Anyway, as I was about to leave his dad had been sketchy with me up until this point, understandably because I was breaking up with his son. But as I was about to go I just burst into those really awful scream cries, where I just could not hold it in. I just balled like a baby and both of them came over and held me. I don't miss a lot of things about that relationship, but I do miss his parents sometimes.

A few weeks later he comes crawling back multiple times and I fend him off. One time I came round to pick up the very last bits and we have a chat in the park in which he says EVERYTHING that I've wanted to hear for the past 3 years. How his stress is something he needs to manage himself and that he hasn't been treating me right. How he was wrong to make a snap judgement about Anthony and fucking hold onto it like a dog with a bone. How he realises he actually IS A FEMINIST ALL ALONG. Just bollocks like that, that I really should have known was a pile of shite but I ate is up because of course I wanted him to actually realise all these things and make a change. Spoilers: he didn't.

We "dated" again for a few months in which nothing changed. It even got to the point where he started telling me that actually he thinks it's unfair that he has to put all this effort in and before he does anything he wants to see change from me too. At this point it finally clicked. I was done. Just so done. With this selfish boy.

So it has been over a year now! And I'm doing just fucking great actually! I've been really working on myself this year, really exploring me and getting to know who I am and trying to heal in the best way. Confidence wise I'm really learning to love myself. I've lost a load of weight, although not all of it. I've cut my hair, pierced a few things, changed my style. The usual break up shenanigans. But it's deeper than that as well. I've learned to value my own opinion. To figure out what is mine and what I should stand by. To have faith in myself and my ability to stand on my own two feet. I was living out of a fucking car during that break up, but I got myself into a house quick and met one of my best friends ever, who I'm now living in a flat with her girlfriend and really loving the life I've built for myself.

I've re-explored myself with boys. I went on... a LOT of date haha. Slept with a guy called Mike after a few dates who I thought was pretty great until he wasn't. He got angry at me for climbing a tree because I could have hurt myself. Ermmmm no thank you. Also the sex was awful.

Then I had my first every one night stand. That one when GREAT. Met this guy out, the cheeky fucker took my number only to call me later while I was sleeping to come round and fall asleep in my bed. But then we had lots of sex in the morning and chatted and laughed and it was great.

Then I went on some dates with a girl. The first girl I've ever fucking fancied. Made out with her tons, slept round her place but unfortunately nothing happened before she called things off.

Then I dated a Korean guy for two months. Went head over heels with myself there. Learnt a really valuable lesson for myself. He was also... a selfish boy, but I could never quite work out if it was cultural or personal... anyway. We didn't have the same ideals. The sex was great... but everything else slowly went to shit.

Then I had ANOTHER one night stand with a guy down south. That was fun. Mostly because I started that one by thinking, "you're the hottest guy here, I'm gonna fuck you." And then did! Great ego boost, really fucking got my confidence now you know. I feel like if I wanted to go out and get sex I could.

Now however, I'm in a place where I;m really not interested in dating. I get a bit lonely and horny but I just want to do without for now. I have a game plan. I'm studying a TEFL course so I can move to Korea and teach English. Yeah, I know haha. Fucking what? But yes, that's my plan. So there is also no point starting anything these days as it won't be able to last longer than 6 months and I don't want to do long distance again.

SO. That's me. Up until this point. I'm going to try and continue this blog again because I've been feeling the need to get my thoughts out in a purely open and honest way. One that won't be a subtle attack at any ex's because they might see it :3

OH! And also, shock twist! I got in contact with Swiss fucking Giant again. Hahaha, didn't see that coming. As two mature adults we can now maintain a healthy friendship I'm pleased to report, although he does talk about philosophy waaaay too much. Love you anyway SG.


Rhubarb
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