I broke up with Fuzzy

OK

It's been a few days now and I feel like I can finally write this down without falling apart. I broke up with Fuzzy 4 days ago after dating him for a year and a half. It's been really hard.

Over the past few months I feel like I have been getting slowly unhappier and he noticed it to. He said to me before that I'm not as bubbly and smiley as I was when I first met him and he was worried it was him. I told him it wasn't but that was a lie. What  has really happened is that we have sunk into a relationship where he is miserable and stressed and I am miserable and stressed for different reasons. He feels that way because of where he is in life, and for at least half a year now he has projected that onto me in the form of anger and arguments. I am consequently unhappy because of this but also because of the fact that I have changed quite a bit of myself to adapt to the relationship, I have sacrificed a lot of my freedom and my opinions to save arguments and to try and make things work and I really feel like he changed nothing in return. I'm not the same person I was two years ago. It makes me sad that it has to be this way but it's the truth.

So he came round for Easter weekend and we had a fairly good time except he was in a bit of a mood the whole weekend and was just not fun to be around. He through a fit over something really insignificant and as I was trying to explain how worried I had become in the relationship it slowly turned into me breaking up with him. I didn't plan it and I didn't really see it coming but the more I thought about it the more I liked the idea of just being me again. He didn't take it very well and tried to run away at first but he came back and we had a talk. He asked for a second chance but I wasn't willing to give it because we'd done this before at Christmas and nothing changed! And I'm fairly sure that a lot of aspects of his personality will never change full stop and if that's the case then I don't want to be with him forever so why be with him now? I think he was really hurt that I couldn't give it another go, but he accepted it and we left it fairly amiable.

Since then the past couple of days have been really hard, I've been on the verge of tears nearly all of the time and I've just been FREAKING out that I've made the wrong decision, but deep down I know I haven't. Simply the fact that I feel so good to have my freedom back is indication enough. All of a sudden I am relieved that I can keep my job, I'm relieved that I don't have to move away from my friends and family to Liverpool, I'm excited that I can move in with Mane Face, I'm excited that I can go travelling! I'm even excited to meet new people and date! I can do that now! Literally a possibility I'd never considered in my future. All these things tell me I've done the right thing.

But there is also the fact that I miss him SO much it fucking hurts. I haven't spoken to him since he left and it kills me because I'm worried that he is OK, I'm worried that he hates me! I'm so sad that our relationship is over and that I'll never see him again. It's pure agony to think of all the good times we had together because they were right in front of me only 4 days ago and now they're firmly filed under "memories never to be had again". Every photo, and song, and reminder is like getting an adrenaline shot. I can barely do anything.

I know that all this is just me mourning the end of the relationship itself and that it will get easier in time. But right now it's damn hard. I'm desperate to know if he is OK, and if it would be possible for us to still be friends, but I don't think it's fair to him seeing as he really didn't want to break up.

Sometimes I still feel in shock that it's even happened because it was so fast and almost out of the blue. I've had to stop myself from crawling back so many times because although I want to, that's just fear talking, that's just loneliness. Crawling back will only prolong the healing which needs to start for both of us asap. I can't be with him again, as much as I WISH he was the person for me... I don't think he is. That's what makes me more sad than anything.