My first Discord

I feel so ashamed of myself as I type this. I've come to realise, with the help of Rowie, how much of a selfish naive bitch I have been. I went to visit her at her Uni for a few days and I was upset because my self esteem is a low right now and I had recently had a heart to heart with Jasmine where she told me some things about myself that I hadn't really heard before. So when I saw on  Mane faces Facebook a post of her saying that Lucy is her best friend it got to me. And after a bottle of wine I was crying and feeling sorry for myself. I tried not to let Chloe see me cry because I knew that it was pathetic. But then the next night we went out to a club called Discord. I got even more drunk and after a few hours of me flailing around I went to the loo with Rowie and I started crying. I told her why I was upset and she made me feel much better about myself. She made me realise that my issues are with self image and confidence and if I need to lose weight to change those then so be it. But then I confessed to her how much of a grudge I've been holding against her for having such a good time at Uni and me being the jealous bitch I am resented her for it. She told me that she knew all this, and that she didn't hate me for it, she was just upset that I couldn't be happy like her. Which is the most selfless thing I've ever heard and now I feel like the worst friend in the world. Which I am. I let my insane jealousy get the better of me! And then I ruin things for myself.

I've been seething by myself for so long not realising that the only problem was me! I realise this now and I'm going to change. I'm going to fucking change everything so help me. I'm fed up of making myself and my friends miserable. I've been such a bitch to Rowie and she's been the best friend I've always wanted. I just didn't realise it. I need to appreciate her more. I need to appreciate all my friends more, and my family. And myself. Tomorrow I move back home and over summer I have all the time in the world for myself. To do whatever the hell I want. And I'm going to make a change to my life. In every aspect. I WILL FUCKING TO IT THIS TIME. I will.