Hello again!
I've been doing so badly keeping up blogs last year and so far of this year. It's shameful, and I think that's the reason why actually. I'm pretty ashamed of myself at the moment and quite unhappy.
Alan and I did not have a good time around Christmas, we had some major arguments and both of us I think were at breaking up point. Since then we've mended the relationship a bit but we still keep hitting problems. We're both just really upset with our lives at the moment, we both want to be in a place together with our freedom but we're finding it so hard to get there that we snap at each other because we're unhappy. We just seem to be forgetting that we're on the same team and we need to be supporting each other. At the same time we both have things that we need to deal with.
I am seriously fat again. 157 pounds. The fattest I have ever been. It's bad. I really need to take charge again and start sorting myself out, for me and for Alan. I really think the best way I can help him right now is by making myself happier and in a better place so I'm not dragging him down, because I think that's what I'm doing. It's a hard pill to swallow though because I feel like I need him to be there for me, for me to wallow because I'm more important but I don't think it's the case.
My new job is really good! It's not the best job in the world by any means but my days go a lot quicker, I'm much less bored and although I don't like the people as much, they're beginning to grow on me and I feel much more settled. I'm scared of the prospect of having to leave again and find another job. This is something that has been playing on my mind also, for me and Alan to move in together, I need to move away and start a life, but I'm scared of leaving my old one and ruining and good foundation I've got here, only to move away and have things go to shit and have to start all over again twice. But it's a risk I'm willing to take because I need to move away more than I need to stay here.
My driving test is booked now for the end of March, but I'm not sure I will be taking it then, I may need to postpone it if I'm not quite ready. But the point is I'm getting there and hopefully I will have ticked both my boxes! Job and driving license! Then I can move up north whenever Alan is ready.
In the mean time my goal is to lose weight and to be happy again, and to support Alan as much as I can. I can't put my finger on why I'm so miserable at the moment but I've come to realise that a pity party is the most unattractive thing and me wallowing in my own sadness affects me more than anyone else so I might as well buck up and be positive.
It's all well and good writing this in the evening but when it comes to the morning and you have to put it into practise it's always a different story. I will try to blog more to keep up to date with everything and motivate myself. I want to be happy again.
xxx
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