I am very very angry with my boyfriend right now.
The night before last I cried my eyes out to him on the phone because I was ashamed of myself not having the motivation to sort myself out. He was loving and really kind and he made me feel much better. The night after he was the complete opposite and I have never been so angry and frustrated in my life.
A big problem between me and Fuzz is the idea of drugs, it sparks from the fact that one time at uni my house-mate and her friend asked me to join in on some weed. I told Alan he got angry and told me not to do it but I did it anyway. We have both argued about that night constantly and agree that both of us dealt with the situation badly. However since then and because I refuse to say whether I will or will not do any in the future he has painted me as an irresponsible person who will do anything they want to regardless of my safety and what he thinks. This is not the case. I AM a sensible person and because I now know that he dislikes it so much I planned to in the future not do it again because I knew that the aggravation is caused was not worth it. It was very important to me that Fuzz trusted me on this to be a sensible person but it appears he cannot. Every time the subject was brought up he got extremely irate and sometimes very rude, I felt like I was constantly under attack from him and that he did not think I was a sensible person at all. We talked about this at length and eventually decided that we would both have to start letting go of our stubbornness to compromise on this matter so that we could both meet in the middle. So I started trying to make an effort, I made promises to him that I did not want to make because I wished he could just trust me enough, but I knew that you have to give a little to get so I was happy to compromise. Fuzz himself didn't have the opportunity to give any compromise so I wasn't really worried about his side, until last night.
So last night I was already emotionally unstable because of the night before, I had had a really bad day and my theory test was in the morning. I rang him up and told him about a video I was just watching in which JB gets high, I then went on to talk about how bad I was feeling and when he responded to this, not only did he completely ignore what I had just said he went on to talk about weed and his opinions. Immediately I felt under attack again because it came from no where, there was absolutely no catalyst for this "debate", nothing I had done to spark this but it continued anyway and I got more and more upset. Even with the compromises I was making he still felt like he needed to tell me off for doing things that I have NEVER done and will NEVER do because he didn't trust me. This made me very upset because the compromise I had asked of him was to give me a little more trust but it was something he was too stubborn to do.
Fuzz says that I am a very stubborn person which I do not deny, but he refuses to see how I am trying to overcome my stubbornness. I do not WANT to specifically STATE what I will and will not do because I like to have the freedom to choose myself. However I have done so anyway. HE on the other hand refuses to budge an inch. Every conversation we have on the topic on his side is made up of unmoving, unwavering opinions that have to either like or lump. He REFUSES to show me any degree of trust which greatly insults me. I was so aggravated and stressed by the end of the night that I decided I had had enough of the argument, if he really wanted to make me promise something that I do not want to promise then I will. So I promised him that I will never do drugs whilst I am with him. Thus robbing myself of the freedom I very much want.
Of course as soon as I said this he went quiet, like it wasn't what he wanted to hear. Suddenly he felt bad as if he had been acting controlling. Well, guess what? You have been. I have never given him any indication that I am an irresponsible addict and yet that is how I am treated by him. He backed me into a corner and made me break a part of my personality which I didn't want to break and I hate myself for that. For backing down. For bending over. For allowing him to make me so stressed and upset about it that I gave in. I understand that compromise is needed but it is needed from both sides and I did not get ANYTHING from him. He just ordered and shouted and towered over me on the subject until I gave in and I can't say anything about it because it is "his opinion".
In truth I will probably never do weed again in the future, I might! And I like having that choice. It has now been taken away from me on the foundations of one incident which was handled wrongly on both sides.
That night I went to bed sore from the before of crying and head pounding and eyes hurting from that night of crying. I did not get to sleep for a few hours and woke up in the morning and ball of stress with a continuous lump in my throat ready for an exam. I did not get a single message of good luck from him. Luckily I passed and since then I have sent him two messages saying:
Thank you for wishing me good luck,
I passed btw.
This has been met with, oh I was going to! I didn't your phone to go off in the exam! I'm a considerate boyfriend. I hope you can let all of this go because I'm really stressed right now.
YOU'RE STRESSED?!
Have you made yourself physically ill because you have cried yourself to sleep two nights in a row?
You had all night to say good luck and the morning, my phone going off is bullshit because you know you can't take it in with you. If you were a considerate boyfriend then maybe you would trust me like I wasn't a recovering dug addict and not stress me out to the point of tears the night before an exam.
I cannot let this go.
I am extremely upset. Not only by these events but by the prospect of the future. If you are going to continue to be a person who cannot compromise then we have a problem. I asked for you to trust me and you couldn't even do that. If we keep clashing like this and I'm the only one bending or being broken then I cannot continue like that because I do not want to be in a relationship where someone makes me do something that I do not want to and won't trust me for shit.
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