Comics are hard.

So... I'm a massive idiot.

I want to cry =P I'm so stupid.

I'm seeing fuzzy in a few days and prior to yesterday everything was going so well! I was so happy! I really wanted to see him, I had been trying to cheer him up, complimenting him, talking to him, making him videos. Just trying to show him that I care about him and want to make him happy.

And then yesterday I did something stupid. So we tried phone sex... well sort of. He jerked off and I talked =P. it was OK... but he said a few things after like "you sounded a bit bored" and I was like... FUCK. And became really selfconcious. Then he picked up on that and started asking me what was wrong and I made a massive meal out of it. Totally overeacted. Made him feel bad, about himself and the situation, and I RUINED the good feeling we had going on. I'm so upset with myself. Today has been really awkward because we're both just not saying anything, for the first time ever. And it's torture. I don't really want to say anything because there isn't much more to say on the topic. I know this will all blow over, like everything does, especially when I see him in a few days and we can talk face to face but I just hate it. I feel like I keep fucking up! I'm trying so hard to do and say the right thing all the time but I always fuck up somehow! What is wrong with me?

Also... lately I've been thinking a lot about my feelings towards him... and I think I love him. I really do. I'm just so scared. I didn't think for ages that I did because I'm frightened of the idea of being so dependent on someone. But I just want more than anything in the world for him to be happy and for me to be in his life. That's love? Surely? I've asked a lot of people because I feel so naive when it comes to this kind of thing and most of them have said that they think I already do. And I do. Goddammit I do. It hurts. I want to be around him all the time. I really want to say to him but I get the feeling I should wait... for a couple of reasons. One -the most shallow- we still haven't facebook publicised it. Something makes me want to wait at least until that is over. Two, I've made myself promise that I will not say it until I FULLY mean it, and seeing as it is only a recent revelation, then I want to wait a little bit more just to be certain that I do. And thirdly... I'm scared... that he will think it is too soon, or that he will think that I don't truly know what love is... or worse that he won't believe my sincerity.

When I see him I'll be able to judge it a lot better. Unless something really happens that makes me want to say it I am going to try to keep my mouth shut... but I'm not so good at that. Life is short, and sometimes things need to be said. But it will be nice to keep something for myself for a while... I just... think as well, it is important that I say it first because he won't believe me if it is in reply. Another thing as well... I wrote him a letter saying that when he opens it, then it means I love him... and thinking about it, I'm not quite ready for him to open it yet. No. I will not push myself. Best to wait.

Another thing I take as a good sign is that up until a few days ago, the concept of his reply... hadn't even crossed my mind! That means I'm not even thinking about his feeling, I'm just struggling with my own battle of when to say it.

Fuck. I really think I love him...